Merry xmas. Merry? Never.
My christmas this year hits an alltime high, or at least I did. The holiday is the most difficult time of the year for me to stay clean. Believe it or not, since my last post (I know, like years ago), I haven't touched any narcotics (I use that word for it as it includes my medications) or had any alcohol (except wine, but seeing I'm euro it's what runs through my veins).... UNTIL the holidays. I hate christmas, I hate everything about it. I've pretended to be jewish for many years just to avoid christmas. Noone's ever asked since I'm wealthy and a New Yorker, so everyone takes for granted I'm jewish. As long as they don't ask, I won't tell. (I know all the lingo so I infiltrate them rather well, like when wearing my kenzo schmata to the spa).
My mom left one christmas when I was 5 or 6 years old, and ever since, dad and I always travelled someplace exotic with a non-christian state religion to avoid any jingling bells or santas. Now dad's gone and I hate the holidays more than ever, which I never knew was possible.
This is the time of year I'm forced to 1) leave Manhattan, 2) visit my in-laws and 3) hear all their worries in person (it's better when hubby passes them on, since I can just put on my ipod and shut it out). "Aren't you terribly skinny?", "When are you gonna have a baby?" and the all too loud whispering when I leave for the loo "is she doing drugs in there?".
I still don't count valium as a drug per se, I see it as a must to survive the holidays. Hubby caught me packing them before our trip, and after a short fight he agreed it can come in handy, but as a compromise I could only bring half my stack. Only ten minutes into dinner my heart was racing, my head was pounding and I felt that salty liquid attempting to leave my eye balls to create tears. I wouldn't have any of it and hit the valium. I'm much more accepting of the in-laws and relaxed in a catatonic state, so I made sure to stay that way for the three days.
As we were going to bed on christmas eve, hubby brought up the baby talk. I was shocked, as this is normally always up to anyone else in our surroundings!
"Do you think you'll ever want to have a baby?" he started while striking my valium-stricken forehead.
"Umm.. eh.. well.."I stuttered.
"I don't mean now, but they might have a point deep down in all that nagging.."
And then he pulled the trumph card:
"..and it might fill that void inside of you that you long to fill".
He went on to talk about family values, the span of life and what he'd get our future baby for christmas, not noticing my heart beat went up a hundred notches or so.
First, I was terribly upset. He made it seem like I needed a baby, when he was obviously just wanting to satisfy his family's and the society's demands of us. But that night, even in my valium-induced REM sleep, I dreamt of a little girl with blonde braids playing beside me in the sand, both of us wearing the same type of designer bikinis...