Oh no, I failed. Failed hubby, failed shrink, failed myself.
I did coke last night. I was beyond myself, so upset. I am still crying - nonstop 24 hours.
The love of my life is gone.. and I had to witness it! A serial killer dog (aka pitbull) attacked Otto yesterday in the park.
We were enjoying the snow and the crispy clear air in the morning. I wore my chinchilla fur boots and Otto had on a Burberry vest. Otto loves my boots and was trying to mate with them. So happy, frolicing and dragging his ears in the snow, getting all wet but loving every minute of it.
Then, out of nowhere, Otto was laying on the ground with satan's dog biting his neck.
Otto has brought me so much joy and anyone that's ever had a dog know what I'm talking about. On the days I couldn't manage to get out of bed, he peed on the floor and I had to bring in carpet cleaners. (Or I managed to bribe my 10 year old neighbour into walking him). He was my reality wake-up call every day. Either way, even when I wasn't there for Otto - he was there for me. Loving me unconditionally.
So where did the coke come from? You know I don't like coke. But the state I was in, I didn't care, I would've done anything self-destructive I'd got my hands on.
Hubby knows Otto was the love of my life, and a substitute for hubby since he's always gone. So he was very understanding when I came stumbling in this morning after a wild night out. I'm not even sure which doorman dragged me from the car to upstairs. Hubby was home (for once!) and took me in his arms. He held my hair back when I puked, and ordered in gatorade and advil, since he was too worried to leave me alone.
"I failed you", I wept into his robe. Through my tears I told him I was beyond myself with grief and couldn't resist temptation. I had been offered and accepted coke. Hubby didn't flinch.
"First things first. We'll sue the devil dog's owner", he said but it didn't bring me any comfort. "And we'll have a proper burial under Otto's favorite tree in the Hamptons, ok?"
With those words I could finally fall asleep. Dreaming of Otto.
Today, all I can do is nervously wait for hubby to come home from work to discuss the small matter of the drug abuse...